A New Asshole Metric: The Starbucks Test

I got this from Snopes.com from a list of New Rules for 2006.  They apparently debunked the claim that is was from George Carlin and instead show (or claim to show) that is from Bill Maher’s HBO show.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the
asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande
half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low and one
NutraSweet," ooh, you’re a huge asshole.

Whatever the source, I think it contains a lot of truth because when people get this picky, it is sign to me that they are oblivious — or worse yet take great glee — at acting like petty tyrants, at imposing difficulty and complexity on someone with less power, at showing everyone in the store how skilled they are at pushing around the poor clerk, and at slowing the flow of the line.

Of course, bad cell phone behavior is worse. I was in a long line at a small Post Office in Menlo Park (October 16th was the final day to pay 2005 taxes in the U.S., so the line was long), and was amazed by a woman who spent a full 30 minutes shouting into her cell phone about her experiences on jury duty. OK, I understand a short quiet conversation, but she was talking very loudly and didn’t seem to notice the TWO large signs that asked customers not to talk on their cell phones.  I suspect that there is an entire book to be written on "Cell Phone Tips for the Complete Asshole."

Comments

28 responses to “A New Asshole Metric: The Starbucks Test”

  1. ann michael Avatar

    Bob – The Starbucks test is priceless!
    My husband often says that cell phones democratized being an asshole. People that hadn’t fully achieved that status (but had potential) were enabled by the cell phone!

  2. Tom "Bald Dog" Varjan Avatar

    Brilliant post, Bob.
    Regarding mobile phones, I believe the more phone calls a person receives and responds to during a face-to-face conversation, the bigger arsehole he/she is.
    If he/she responds, “I’m at a meeting. I’ll call you back later”, then he/’she is an arsehole of epic proportions.
    What I’ve found is that successful people don’t receive calls during meetings. Somehow they do one thing at a time and laser-focus on it.

  3. Bob Avatar
    Bob

    Well, anyone who orders from Starbucks is an idiot in the first place. Why buy synthetic coffee substitute from a McDonalds-like franchise when coffee is all about quality and enjoyment?

  4. Valeria Maltoni Avatar

    If you think cell phone talk is abused here, go to Europe. Take a train ride. Enjoy lots of talk… about nothing at all.

  5. Troy Steinmetz Avatar
    Troy Steinmetz

    First of all, when I go to Starbucks, I order a “grande hot chocolate.”
    That being said, I don’t think the pickiest person is necessarily the biggest tyrant. Sure, it’s an easily observable indicator and there is a high correlation, but sometimes it just means the business is giving you too many options (cue the Metacool “simplicity” discussion)
    Either way, I’d much rather smack the guy who orders while still talking on the cell phone.
    Speaking of which, be prepared for norms around cell phone etiquette to change with the new generation workforce. What may be asshole behavior now may not be soon. I just got back from dinner four other seniors. At one point, we had two people texting at the table and one checking his voicemail. Even though my friend and I weren’t partaking, our cell phones were still sitting in view on the table, something my mother would find quite offensive/tacky.

  6. Kent Blumberg Avatar

    Worse than cell phones in my book: checking your Blackberry for messages while you are meeting with someone. I watched a potential supplier do this while he was “listening” to me. My business went elsewhere.

  7. Min Avatar
    Min

    Hey Bob, it’s Min from Clicks n Bricks. Here’s the other side of the fence: I ordered a tall iced vanilla latte yesterday and was surprised to finish it in only a minute. Why? They filled the cup with 3/4 ice. ooohh… not cool..

  8. Thomas Niss Avatar
    Thomas Niss

    The “Starbucks Test” – a deep “barista centric” perspective: I order a double tall, non fat, sugar free vanilla, extra hot, upside down, light caramel caramel macchiato – and I actually had a number of fun conversation with baristas about my order. They usually love it: love to hear it, love to say it out loud, love to laugh about it; I guess because it’s a welcome break from the straight tall late order. And because it’s “unexpected”, meaning not everybody orders a drink like that, they have an easier time remembering the specific customer- which has to be a better feeling than just serving faceless tall lates all day.
    It’s not so much about the complexity of the order but about the way one places the order. Too many service people are starving for a smile from stressed out customers – I always have to smile about my order and smiling is wonderfully contagious…

  9. Bryan Levon Avatar
    Bryan Levon

    I’ll be honest. Working at starbucks, you get them both – assholes who like to prove how complicated a drink they can come up with that will taste the same if it’s made the normal way, and assholes who can’t put the phone down for 2 seconds while going through the drive-thru, or even standing in line. Yes, because we all want to hear how Sha-nae-nae’s doing, Moesha. The absolute worst is people who tell YOU to hold on while they end their cellphone call. I pay those people no respect. Maybe this makes ME an asshole, but at least it’s not for talking on my phone while in the drive-thru.

  10. Coleman Nitroy Avatar

    For all of us who started out in a Starbucks or some other service industry job to make connections to get on with our careers, this was nice to hear.
    I definitely go about flagging assholes and dealing with them differently because of my experience in the asshole olympics before my first career job.
    And to touch on cellphone ass-hatery sure it is rude in a restaurant or meeting to use your phone but I think it goes even further when it endanger someone’s life. I’ve had to kick cars, stop so fast my clutch cable snapped and break fluid boiled, pound on windows, and even end up on a sidewalk riding my motorcycle to work because of people not seeing me as they turn or merge due to a cellphone glued to the sides of there dumb faces.

  11. starbuckery Avatar
    starbuckery

    The rule works for politicians as well: Katherine Harris (R-FL) standard Starbucks order is a “extra hot venti triple latte, no fat, no foam, one Sweet’N Low”.

  12. Barista Blues Avatar
    Barista Blues

    It feels like Starbucks, in giving its customers such an obscene range of drink options, really cultivates assholes. It’s not really about the length of the order, though. It’s more how they order (while talking on a cellphone, or slurring the entire order into one long incomprehensible word, or both), how the customer responds when asked to repeat their order due to aforementioned incomprehensibility (rolling eyes and repeating each part in a tone normally reserved for mentally handicapped foreigners and separated by indignant pauses), or how they respond when presented with their drink (loudly stating “this had better be extra hot” before taking a tentative sip, grimacing in mild displeasure, shrugging and walking off in a huff).
    As Thomas Niss said, being nice and/or humorous about your ridiculous order will prevent you from being labeled as an asshole, at least by the baristas. Although don’t be fooled into thinking you’re doing us a favor by ordering something out of the ordinary. We don’t love it. We pretend to because that’s our job, although it does give a small sense of satisfaction in an otherwise soul-numbing job to remember and properly ring in long orders on the first try.

  13. Tedney Avatar
    Tedney

    I used to work with this arsehole a few years back… if we were having a meeting with our agency or a partner etc, he’d always come in with a starbucks cup so he looked ‘cool’ in the meeting. If the meeting was in the afternoon, he used to make a regular freeze dried coffee in a mug and pour it into his starbucks cup. There is definately a starbucks effect – really brings out the arseholes.

  14. Moments of Clarity Avatar

    Pucker Up For This One

    I cannot come close to reviewing this book or analyzing it any better than Guy Kawasaki did today. To do so…would probably make me look like an….well….here’s the book title and and some quotes/analysis from the book that had me

  15. John C. Randolph Avatar
    John C. Randolph

    The person with a very complicated order may be an asshole, but they may also be suffering from obsessivie-compulsive disorder. Let’s try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
    -jcr

  16. Richard Veryard SOAPbox Avatar

    Starbucks Test

    There are many organizations (both public sector and commercial) that seem to agree with Robert Sutton and regard their customers as assholes, for wanting anything slightly non-standard. But in an unpredictable world, the sustainable business is one th…

  17. Ken Leebow Avatar

    The best thing about Starbucks… marketing! How in the world did they get us to spend $3+ for a cup of Joe? And, now they’ve got the kids addicted to, in essence, hot milkshakes.

  18. Elaine, Bellman of Belly Laugh Day, January 24 Avatar

    Starbucks test. As a guy next to me at Starbucks ordered a drink I kept hearing him say no this, no that, and non.
    I thought what is his real drink? What is his yes drink? He really was vehement about “no spinkles”. Now I know why he did not laugh when I asked him, “All those no’s what is your yes drink?”

  19. Jennet Avatar
    Jennet

    The funny thing about the drink you listed is that it doesn’t exist! Cappuccinos are hot only, you can’t have extra dry if it’s already fully wet!
    Now in my barista days at starbucks I had a lady order _i kid you not_ a grande cup filled to the plastic line between the top green line and the top of the cup with our frappuccino mix, 2 shots, one pump of vanilla and 2 ice cubes blended for 3.5 seconds in the blender and put in a venti cup.
    Seriously.
    And she was a beyotch. Go figure.

  20. taiki Avatar
    taiki

    I’m a huge asshole and my starbucks order is really simple.
    tall coffee with 28 shots of espresso.
    or does that count 28 times?

  21. 10 Day Free Warcraft World Avatar

    10 Day Free Warcraft World

    But, new PC online games by coming up with the equivalent of World of Warcraft . I\’m

  22. Meg Flasco Avatar
    Meg Flasco

    Regarding assholes, this also applies to dealing with customers who are the biggest offenders. By the way, the customer isn’t always right! I work for Jackson Hewitt and we always have these low income, pea-brained, uneducated dinks that come in to file their taxes. Talk about a freak show!! Anyway, this stupid woman rolled her eyes at me the other day and I wanted to put my foot up her big fat ass!! I asked her a question and she didn’t understand because she was an idiot to begin with, and therefore, tried to make me look like the moron!! Go figure!!

  23. Han Solo Avatar
    Han Solo

    Yep, kinda like the difference between what a Stanfard grad would order vs. the rest of the world.

  24. Bob Sutton Avatar
    Bob Sutton

    Hans,
    Don’t blame me — I went to Cal and The University of Michigan, I just work at Stanford!

  25. libby Avatar

    Soy chai latte for me!
    I’m one the few people who do not own a cell phone and really don’t mind living without one. with everyone’s little quirky ringtones constantly buzzing and beeping, I really don’t want to contribute to that annoyance.
    I’m especially annoyed at how little people pay attention to exactly what they’re doing when a phone is attatched to their ear (i.e., driving).

  26. lexy Avatar
    lexy

    grande sugar free vanilla americano w/ a little steamed soy. but i’m always VERY sweet about it and thank my baristas profusely. (i should, because then i stay and study for the next 6 hours… and my ringer is always on silent except for the special occasions when it’s on vibrate.)

  27. rather not say Avatar
    rather not say

    This is so funny but it is so true. I often wonder what people think of me because I am so nice and treat people with respect. I am often the victim of people ignoring me, or looking down at me, I have been a victim of the status slap as well. Its funny to dissect what truly makes an asshole but it is all true. I have always thought that when ordering food you don’t flex your power and give the guy making min. wage a hard time. Thank God I have never and will never do this. I even go far as too accept any food even if they messed up the order. I don’t like giving people a hard time. Someone has to do that right thing and it mind as well be me. I will be purchasing your book. Great idea!

  28. sam Avatar
    sam

    I stumbled upon this post while surfing the net because I can’t sleep because I dread going to my I hop job- now I know that I-HOP stands for I hate offensive people. This post made me laugh-today I will keep a sense of humor while dealing with picky grumpy unsatisfiable people, waitresses included.

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