There is a lot anger these days toward all sorts of villains associated with the meltdown. And I certainly got plenty mad at the AIG executives and a lot of those financial services CEOs. But I have tried to remind myself that getting angry and obsessed with avenging others isn't very healthy.
Yes, there are times when justice demands it and when fighting back creates feelings of control. Indeed, when it comes to fighting back against assholes, my favorites stories include Jason Zweig's tale of the abused airline employee who sent the culprit's bags to Nairobi (even though he was going to LA), Sue Sherman's story (see the post about Jason's story)about how she taught new bus drivers in Ann Arbor to save-up an "accident" for revenge against an asshole driver during Christmas time, and my favorite about the radio producer who got back at her food-stealing boss by putting some Ex-Lax laced candies on her desk.
But it is also important to remember the downsides of revenge include — as you can see in Getting Even, a classic and well-documented effect is that it can fuel a vicious circle of revenge where each party feels as if the last act of revenge needs to be avenged, and each side travels through life being harmed and then harmed — without the score ever being settled.
The other and related aspect of revenge is that there are times when people who are damaged devote so much emotional energy and mind share to thoughts of getting even and generalized anger toward their abuser that consumes them, and — whether they are able to fight back or not — that inability to get it out of their mind damages their mental and physical health and their other relationships. I emphasized in The No Asshole Rule that, especially when you are trapped in situation – bad job with an asshole boss — that you can't escape from, learning the fine are of emotional detachment, of simply going through the motions to keep your income coming in, but not letting it touch your soul, is sometimes the best solution. Alas, with unemployment rates what they are, I am afraid that more and more people throughout the world are trapped in that situation than ever before — so although not everyone agrees me — I would argue that learning not to give a shit may be a more important survival skills than ever. I blogged about Why Indifference is as Important as Passion awhile back, and as you can see, got some strong reactions, both pro and con. Tom Peters especially objected — although I suspect that he isn't trapped in a job with an asshole boss while struggling to pay mortgage and keep food on the table, like all to many Americans are these days. He brags about leaving McKinsey, but I would point out that writing the best selling business book of all time gave him an escape route that most people don't have! I generally agree with Tom on most things, but not this time. I think his argument holds best for elites during good times, and not so well for the most people the rest of the time.
Indeed, to that point, an interesting study by some Spanish researchers was just published (see it summarized at BPS Digest) that followed 500 employees who suffered job stress, and compared those who responded with thoughts of revenge and anger to those who responded with emotional detachment. The findings suggest that those who responded with detachment were less likely to be bullied and (albeit a weaker finding) were less likely to suffer strains such as unhappiness, depression, and loss of sleep. The authors also cite related research in the article that shows having the ability to "switch-off" thoughts about the stress of work during off-work hours protects people from the damage caused by a stressful job.
As I have written before, I am not saying that people ought to be doormats. In fact, as I read through the research on bullying, revenge, asshole bosses, and detachment, my sense is that fighting back and winning against a bully — but finding a way to do it without worrying about it constantly and without creating a cycle of revenge might be the best solution possible. Indeed, the airline employee that Jason Zweig met seemed to have it down. She seem unfazed by the assholes tirade, and just smiled through it all, and sent his luggage 6000 miles or so from his destination. Alas, however, such perfect acts of revenge are often impossible. The old saying "don't get mad, get even" is a useful half-truth — but beware of being locked in a battle with someone who applies the same strategy.
And, in any case, do everything you can to avoid letting it touch your soul.
P.S. The study is: B
MORENOJIMENEZ, A RODRIGUEZMUNOZ, J PASTOR, A SANZVERGEL, E GARROSA
(2009). The moderating effects of psychological detachment and thoughts
of revenge in workplace bullying. Personality and Individual Differences, 46 (3), 359-364
Leave a Reply