guy stopped some rude and loud people at a movie theatre. Here it is (with his name removed):
‘Last night I went to see "Live
Free or Die Hard" (which, by the way, is probably the shortest path to
post-traumatic stress disorder). There were a bunch of people behind me,
talking through the movie, making fun of things, generally being distracting. I
did the usual thing where I turn around and look at them to let them know that
I’m right in front of them and that I can hear them really well, but that
didn’t work. I was starting to get pretty frustrated.
During one longer, quiet stretch, I turned to my friend next to me and said,
pretty loudly, "So, what do you want to talk about?" and he
said, also loudly, "I don’t know, why don’t we wait until later?"
It worked, the people behind us remained silent through the rest of the
picture. The best part was that it wasn’t blatantly confrontational, was kind
of funny, and didn’t lead to any escalation or anything.
One of my prouder moments as a reformed asshole.’
I find this story to be most enlightening because
it suggests three more general lessons about “asshole management.”
1. The distinction between “intentional” and
“clueless” asshole is important. This
little story implies that these rude people were sufficiently self-focused that
they weren’t aware how much they were upsetting other people in the theater.
2. The trick
with “clueless” assholes is to find some way to help them realize the impact
that they are having on others, without being an asshole yourself. The
fellow who wrote this email wasn’t having much luck with more subtle tactics;
but simply imitating these noisy people proved to be enough to help them
realize that they were blowing it.
I should point out, however, that some people are
so deeply clueless that subtle tactics may not work and, of course, there are
some people who are perfectly aware of what they are doing, but really don’t
care. (For example, I went to a nice
restaurant in Berkeley last week with my daughter, and there was a woman
sitting a few tables away who spent the entire meal talking into her cell phone
at decibel level that was twice as loud as anyone else in the place… we all
gave her lots of subtle hints, but it was pretty clear that she realized what
she was doing, but just didn’t care.)
3. Finally,
I suspect that the above tactic worked for two reasons. The first, as implied, is that it helped
these temporary assholes realize that they were, in fact, ruining the
experience for others. The second is
that is provoked mild embarrassment among the rude theater-goers. Economists and many psychologists focus
heavily on the power of rewards and incentives for motivating human
behavior. But this little story suggests
that, as any good micro-sociologist can tell you, the desire to avoid
embarrassment (and to maintain “face”) is a powerful, and often overlooked,
motivator of human behavior. The classic
work here was done by the late sociologist Erving Goffman, notably in his classic book
“The Presentation of Self in Everyday Life.”
Thanks to this anonymous e-mailer for sending in
this enlightening story. If you have any other ideas about effective – but
civilized – ways to stop rude people at the theater (or other public places),
please let use know. As this e-mailer
implies, finding effective tactics that don’t carry a big risk of making the
problem even worse can be difficult.
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