talked a lot here about methods for enduring abusive bosses and
co-workers. Some of these tips come from
your comments and e-mails, some from the
No Asshole Rule, and some from academic research. I thought it would be useful to list some of the most effective
methods in one place. I update this list every few months, so please keep your suggestions coming!
Before
I get to the rest of the tips, one is in a class by itself:
THE BIGGEST AND BEST
LESSON: ESCAPE IF YOU POSSIBLY CAN. The best thing to do if you are stuck under thumb
of an asshole (or a bunch of them) is to
get out as fast as you can. You are
at great risk of suffering personal damage and of turning into as asshole
yourself. Acting like a jerk isn’t just
something that a few twisted people are born with; it is a contagious
disease. But escape isn’t always possible;
as one woman wrote me, “I have to feed my family and pay my mortgage, and there
aren’t a lot of jobs that pay well enough to do that around here.”
So
here are my top tips for coping with workplace assholes that you can’t escape (at
least for now):
confrontation.
Some people really don’t mean to be
assholes. They might be surprised if you
gently let them know that they are leaving you feeling belittled and demeaned. Other assholes are demeaning on purpose, but
may stop if you stand-up to them in a civil, but, firm manner. An office worker wrote me that her boss was
“a major asshole” (he was a former army major, who was infamous for his
nastiness). She found that “the major” left her alone after she
gave him “a hard stare” and told him his behavior was “absolutely unacceptable and
I simply won’t tolerate it.” This is
also pretty much what Ron
Reagan (the late president’s son) told me on his radio show about how he
dealt with assholes, as did a fashion model who described a constructive way to confront an asshole
2. If a bully keeps spewing venom at you, limit your contact with the creep
as much as possible. Try to avoid any meetings you can with the jerk. Do telephone meetings if possible. Keep conversations as short as possible. Be
polite but don’t provide a lot of personal information during meetings of any
kind, including email exchanges. If the
creep says or writes something nasty, try to avoid snapping back; it can fuel a
vicious circle of asshole poisoning. Don’t sit down during meetings if you can
avoid it. Recent research suggests that
stand-up meetings are just as effective sit-down meetings, but are shorter; so try
to meet places without chairs and avoid sitting down during meetings with assholes
whenever possible – it limits your exposure to their abuse.
3. Find ways to enjoy “small
wins” over assholes. If you can’t reform or expel
the bully, find small ways to gain control and to fight back -– it will make
you feel powerful and just might convince the bully to leave you and others alone. Exhibit one here is the radio producer who told
me that she felt oppressed because her boss was constantly stealing her food –-
right off her desk. So she made some candy out of EX-Lax, the chocolate
flavored laxative, and left it on her desk. As usual, he ate them without permission. When she told this thief what
was in the candy, “he was not happy.”
4. Practice indifference and
emotional detachment– learn how not to let an asshole touch your soul. Management gurus and executives are constantly
ranting about the importance of commitment, passion, and giving all you have to
a job. That is good advice when your
bosses and peers treat you with dignity. But if you work with people who treat you like dirt, they have not
earned your passion and commitment. Practice going through the motions without really caring. Don’t let their vicious words and deeds touch
your soul: Learn
to be comfortably numb until the day comes when you find a workplace that
deserves your passion and full commitment.
5. Keep an asshole diary — carefully document
what the jerk does and when it happens. Carefully document what the jerk does and when it happens. A government
employee wrote me a detailed email about how she used a diary to get rid of a
nasty, racist co-worker ‘I documented the many harmful things she did with
dates and times…..basically I kept an "Asshole
Journal." I encouraged her other victims to do so too
and these written and signed statements were presented to our supervisor. Our
supervisors knew this worker was an asshole but didn’t really seem to be doing
anything to stop her harmful behaviors until they received these statements.
The asshole went on a mysterious leave that no supervisor was permitted to
discuss and she never returned.’ Similarly, a salesman wrote me that he has
been the top performer in his group until he got
leukemia, but his performance slowed during chemotherapy. His supervisor called him every day to yell
at him about how incompetent he was, and then doubled the sick salesperson’s
quota. The salesman eventually quit and
found a better workplace, but apparently because he documented the abuse, his
boss was demoted. Note that, as the government employee shows us, an especially effective tactic is to
recruit other colleagues to keep “asshole diaries” too about an abusive boss or
workplace. It is far more difficult for
management – or a judge – to dismiss a complaint from a group of victims than a
single victim.
6. Take legal action if you must, but
do so as a last resort. There is a
growing legal movement against bullying in the workplace, and employment
lawyers keep telling me that it will get easier to collect damages against
“equal opportunity assholes,” not just against racist and sexist jerks. Documentation is essential if you are
considering making a legal claim. And
certainly there are plenty of asshole bosses and employers that deserve to be
slapped with massive fines. BUT if you
are suffering workplace abuse, the best thing for YOU might be to get out
before you suffer much, if any, damage. I had a long conversation
with two smart lawyers about this recently, and they pointed out an unfortunate
fact of life that every person with an asshole boss needs to understand: The
more you lose – – the deeper your depression, your anxiety, and your financial
losses, and the more physical ailments you suffer –- the better your legal case
against the asshole boss or company. So the
more you suffer, the more money you can get. The implication for me is, if you possibly can, why not get out before you suffer horrible damages in the first
place?
There are no instant cures and easy answers for people who are trapped in
nasty workplaces. But I hope my little
list of tips can help those of who are struggling to fight back against an
asshole boss. And please write me at robert.sutton@stanford.edu to let
me know what you think of these tips, and especially, if you have more tips for
battling back – and winning — against workplace assholes.
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